Chapter XV

I heard queer tales in the hotel. There were tales of dope fiends, of old debauchees who frequented hotels in search of pretty page boys, of thefts and blackmail. Mario told me of a hotel in which he had been, where a chambermaid stole a priceless diamond ring from an American lady. For days the staff were searched as they left work, and two detectives searched the hotel from top to bottom, but the ring was never found. The chambermaid had a lover in the bakery, and he had baked the ring into a roll, where it lay unsuspected until the search was over.

Once Valenti, at a slack time, told me a story about himself. 'You know, MON P'TIT, this hotel life is all very well, but it's the devil when you're out of work. I expect you know what it is to go without eating, eh? FORCEMENT, otherwise you wouldn't be scrubbing dishes. Well, I'm not a poor devil of a PLONGEUR; I'm a waiter, and I went five days without eating, once. Five days without even a crust of bread — Jesus Christ!

'I tell you, those five days were the devil. The only good thing was, I had my rent paid in advance. I was living in a dirty, cheap little hotel on St. Anns Wells Road. It was called the Nel Gwynn Hotel after some famous prostitute from the region. I was starving, and there was nothing I could do; I couldn't even go to the cafes where the hotel proprietors come to engage waiters, because I hadn't the price of a drink. All I could do was to lie in bed getting weaker and weaker, and watching the bugs running about the ceiling. I don't want to go through that again, I can tell you.

'In the afternoon of the fifth day I went half mad; at least, that's how it seems to me now. There was an old faded print of a woman's head hanging on the wall of my room, and I took to wondering who it could be; and after about an hour I realized that it must be St. Ann, who was the patron saint of the quarter. I had never taken any notice of the thing before, but now, as I lay staring at it, a most extraordinary idea came into my head.

'"ECOUTE, MON CHER," I said to myself, "you'll be starving to death if this goes on much longer. You've got to do something. Why not try a prayer to St. Ann? Go down on your knees and ask her to send you some money. After all, it can't do any harm. Try it!"

'Mad, eh? Still, a man will do anything when he's hungry. Besides, as I said, it couldn't do any harm. I got out of bed and began praying. I said:

'"Dear St. Ann, if you exist, please send me some money. I don't ask for much--just enough to buy some bread and a bottle of wine and get my strength back. Three or four pounds would do. You don't know how grateful I'll be, St. Ann, if you help me this once. And be sure, if you send me anything, the first thing I'll do will be to go and bum a candle for you, at your church down the street. Amen."

'I put in that about the candle, because I had heard that saints like having candles burnt in their honour. I meant to keep my promise, of course. But I am an atheist and I didn't really believe that anything would come of it.

'Well, I got into bed again, and five minutes later there came a bang at the door. It was a girl called Maria, a big fat peasant girl who lived at our hotel. She was a very stupid girl, but a good sort, and I didn't much care for her to see me in the state I was in.

'She cried out at the sight of me. "NOM DE DIEU!" she said, "what's the matter with you? What are you doing in bed at this time of day? QUELLE MINE QUE TU AS! You look more like a corpse than a man."

'Probably I did look a sight. I had been five days without food, most of the time in bed, and it was three days since I had had a wash or a shave. The room was a regular pigsty, too.

'"What's the matter?" said Maria again.

'"The matter!" I said; "Jesus Christ! I'm starving. I haven't eaten for five days. That's what's the matter."

'Maria was horrified. "Not eaten for five days?" she said. "But why? Haven't you any money, then?"

'"Money!" I said. "Do you suppose I should be starving if I had money? I've got just five pence in the world, and I've pawned everything. Look round the room and see if there's anything more I can sell or pawn. If you can find anything that will fetch fifty pence, you're cleverer than I am."

'Maria began looking round the room. She poked here and there among a lot of rubbish that was lying about, and then suddenly she got quite excited. Her great thick mouth fell open with astonishment.

'"You idiot!" she cried out. "Imbecile! What's THIS, then?"

'I saw that she had picked up an empty oil can that had been lying in the comer. I had bought it weeks before, for an oil lamp I had before I sold my things.

"That?" I said. "That's an oil can. What about it?"

'"Imbecile! Didn't you pay three pounds fifty deposit on it?"

'Now, of course I had paid the three pounds fifty. They always make you pay a deposit on the oil can, and you get it back when the oil can is returned. But I'd forgotten all about it.

'"Yes--" I began.

'"Idiot!" shouted Maria again. She got so excited that she began to dance about until I thought her flip flops would go through the floor, "Idiot! You are mad! What have you got to do but take it back to the shop and get your deposit back? Starving, with three pounds fifty staring you in the face! Imbecile!"

'I can hardly believe now that in all those five days I had never once thought of taking the oil can back to the shop. As good as three pounds fifty in hard cash, and it had never occurred to me! I sat up in bed. "Quick!" I shouted to Maria, "you take it for me. Take it to the grocer's at the corner -- run like the devil. And bring back food!"

'Maria didn't need to be told. She grabbed the oil can and went clattering down the stairs like a herd of elephants and in three minutes she was back with two pounds of bread under one arm and a half-litre bottle of wine under the other. I didn't stop to thank her; I just seized the bread and sank my teeth in it. Have you noticed how bread tastes when you have been hungry for a long time? Cold, wet, doughy--like putty almost. But, Jesus Christ, how good it was! As for the wine, I sucked it all down in one draught, and it seemed to go straight into my veins and flow round my body like new blood. Ah, that made a difference!

'I wolfed the whole two pounds of bread without stopping to take breath. Maria stood with her hands on her hips, watching me eat. "Well, you feel better, eh?" she said when I had finished.

'"Better!" I said. "I feel perfect! I'm not the same man as I was five minutes ago. There's only one thing in the world I need now — a cigarette."

'Maria put her hand in her apron pocket. "You can't have it," she said. "I've no money. This is all I had left out of your three pounds fifty -- fifteen pence. It's no good. The cheapest single you can buy is 20p from behind the bar of the St Anns Inn.”

'"Then I can have them!" I said. "Jesus Christ, what a piece of luck! I've got 5 pence -- it's just enough."

'Maria took the 20p and was starting out to the St Anns Inn. And then something I had forgotten all this time came into my head. There was that cursed St Ann! I had promised her a candle if she sent me money; and really, who could say that the prayer hadn't come true? "Three or four pounds," I had said; and the next moment along came three pounds fifty. There was no getting away from it. I should have to spend my twenty pence on a candle.

'I called Maria back. "It's no use," I said; "there is St. Ann – I have promised her a candle. The twenty pence will have to go on that. Silly, isn't it? I can't have my cigarette after all."

'"St. Ann?" said Maria. "What about St. Ann?"

'"I prayed to her for money and promised her a candle," I said. "She answered the prayer--at any rate, the money turned up. I shall have to buy that candle. It's a nuisance, but it seems to me I must keep my promise."

'"But what put St Ann into your head?" said Maria.

'"It was her picture," I said, and I explained the whole thing. "There she is, you see," I said, and I pointed to the picture on the wall.

'Maria looked at the picture, and then to my surprise she burst into shouts of laughter. She laughed more and more, stamping about the room and holding her fat sides as though they would burst. I thought she had gone mad. It was two minutes before she could speak.

'"Idiot!" she cried at last. "You are mad! Do you mean to tell me you really knelt down and prayed to that picture? Who told you it was St. Ann?"

'"But I made sure it was Sainte Eloise!" I said.

'"Imbecile! It isn't Sainte Eloise at all. Who do you think it is?"

'"Who?" I said.

'"It is Nel Gwynn, the woman this hotel is called after."

'I had been praying to Nel Gwynn, the famous prostitute...

'But, after all, I wasn't sorry. Maria and I had a good laugh, and then we talked it over, and we made out that I didn't owe St Ann anything. Clearly it wasn't she who had answered the prayer, and there was no need to buy her a candle. So I had my cigarette after all.'